Humor Page: animal

One day a man walked into an auction house. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer. "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Little Tommy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tommy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tommy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tommy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because it is inside your stupid big fat cat."

Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog. One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog in the county. The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against any dog in the country. Well after some animated discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out.

After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog leaps on the Doberman and kills it outright. The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs for years and had never had more than a small scratch or two. He turns to the other farmer and asks "What kind of dog did you say that was?"

The first farmer replies "Well before he lost his tail we called him a Mountain Lion!"

This guy looks out his window one morning and notices a big gorilla in the tree in his front yard. He calls the Humane Society and tells them all about it, and they reply, "Don't worry, we will send out our best man, and he will know how to handle this."

Sure enough, the Humane Society truck comes along in a bit and backs into the guy's yard. A man gets out carrying a shotgun and leading a big vicious looking dog. So the homeowner comes out and asks, "How are you gonna get the ape out of my tree?"

The man says, "Here's the plan. You hold this shotgun and I will climb the tree and shake the branches until the gorilla falls. Then this trained dog here will grab him and drag him into the truck."

The homeowner says, "Okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The Humane Society man replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you make sure you shoot that dog!!"

A German, an Irish, and a Polish were being chased by the police with dogs. They had been running forever and knew that they couldn't keep it up all night, so they decided to try and hide. The German fellow climbs up a tree as the other two run on and wait. Soon the police comes, their dogs barking like crazy. The dogs run up to the tree containing the German and start barking. The German panics for a second, then goes "Chirp chirp chirp". "Aww, it's just a bird!" the police say and keep going. Seeing that it worked, the Irish climbs another tree as the Polish guy keeps running. When the dogs start barking at the tree containing the Irish guy, he remembers what the German guy did and goes "Whoo...Whooo..." "Awww, it's just an owl. Let's go!" so they keep going. Now the polish guy sees that it worked twice already, so he's really relaxed in the tree he's hiding in. When the dogs come and start barking like crazy at his tree, he goes "MOOOOOOOO..."

Many years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking ice tea I noticed my cat dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, it is a dead rabbit. I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our cat, cricket. I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage hopeing its death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and sipping tea.

Within the hour the neighbors BMW pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father panic sticken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that is am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of jerk would dig up a little girl's rabbit and put it back in its cage."

In a vast desert, a cowboy faces his horse.

Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good horse, I guess. Hardworkin'. Not the fastest critter I ever come across, but..."

Horse: "Hey, no, stupid you, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*."

A lady walks in to a pet store and asks the salesman if he has any parrots for sale. He replies that he has a very special parrot in back.

They go to the back of the store and see a beautiful bird with a string around each leg. The salesman explains that if she pulls the string on the left leg, the bird sings "Sunshine on My Shoulder," and if she pulls the right string, it sings, "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on my Head." The lady asks what happens if she pulls both strings, and the bird yells out,

"Don't! I will fall on my bottom, lady!!"

So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The parrot having a free run of the ship had a busy day flying from deck to deck during the day exploring the ship and having friendly conversations with the crew and passengers.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening.

During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squawk,

'It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve'
- or - 'It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers'

each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot,

".....what have you done with the ship?"

A Cop was driving along the freeway when he drove past an red convertible car with a man driving it. In the back of the car were twelve penguins. The Cop pulled the car over and said abruptly, "I want you to take these penguins to the Zoo". The driver said okay and took off. The next day the same Cop was driving along the same freeway when he passed the same red convertible car. The car still had the man driving it with the twelve penguins sitting in the back. This time the man and the penguins were wearing sunglasses. The Cop pulled the car over again and said abruptly, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the Zoo". The man said, I did and now I'm taking them to the Beach".

A rabbit walks into a grocery store on Wednesday and asks if they have any carrots for sale. The grocer tells him no, the will get some in on Monday. The rabbit thanks him and walks out. On Thursday, the same rabbit walks in and asks the grocer if he has any carrots. The grocer says "I told you yesterday, and I'll tell you today: We don't get any carrots in until MONDAY!" The rabbit thanks him and leaves.
On Friday the same rabbit walks in and asks the grocer if he has any carrots. The grocer screams at him: "LOOK! I told you yesterday, I told you the day before yesterday, and I'll tell you today, WE DON'T GET ANY CARROTS IN UNTIL MONDAY!! If you come in here again asking for carrots BEFORE Monday, I'll nail you ears to my counter!" The rabbit thanks him and leaves.
On Saturday, the same rabbit walks in and asks the grocer: "Do you have any nails?" The grocer says no. The rabbit says: "Good! Do you have any carrots?"

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him; I was just trying to trip him up."

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book - 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Huge great holes all over Australia.

How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Why do elephants wear sandals?
So that they don't sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
No?
Well, it must work.

How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
Can't get the fridge door closed.

How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW bug parked outside it.

How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.

How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.

What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
The sun roof.

How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
He pull out his AMEX card.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.

Why do elephants have trunks?
Where else would they pack their luggage?

Why do elephants never forget?
Well, what do they have to remember?!

What's better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

What do you get if you cross a supermarket meat counter with a computer?
RAM chops!

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wild beast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6.
In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!

Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Psychiatrist: What's wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot (did I mention she had a parrot?) said, "Who is it?". He replied, "It's the plumber.".

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?". He said, "It's the plumber!".

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?". He said, "IT'S THE PLUMBER!!!!!!!!".

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "WHO IS IT?!".

The parrot said, "It's the plumber.".

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
I don't know. Why?
Too many cheetahs.

Two tourists in Africa decided to do some lion-hunting. When they found some lion footprints, one of the tourists got scared. He whispered to his partner: "You follow this prints forward and find out where the lion is going. I'll follow these prints backward and find out where the lion came from."

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.
"None survived the branding."

What do you call a sleeping bull
A bull-dozer.

What do you call a cow with no front legs?
Lean Beef

What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
Ground beef

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain

What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?
You let the pit bull finish.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing. He wont come when you call him, anyway.

What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.

What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.

Why is a tree like a dog?
Because they both lose their bark when they die.

Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.